Have you ever had a day, where you just can't do it?
Keeping my eyes open is a struggle. Not that I am tired but that I just can't do it, even blinking is a chore. If my body didn't fight for survival, automatically, I would just stop breathing because it is just too hard. Thank God for the autonomic nervous system, or today I would die.
Dramatic isn't it?
Writing this, going there, is helpful, I suppose. Gives me perspective. When I consider my life in comparison to others, I can ALWAYS think of worse situations or circumstances. But that doesn't help today. I just feel helpless to even CHOOSE happiness today. I want to wallow. I do not enjoy wallowing. It's just the easiest thing to do today.
Thinking is hard. Being is hard. Writing is hard. Swallowing is hard.
Caring is hardest.
Whats with all the theatrics?
I am thankful that everyday is not like this. Every minute that this lingers; I get more tired, exhausted, worn out. Yesterday wasn't like today. Hopefully tomorrow won't be either.
I am sad. I have reason. I can justify this feeling, not that I need to, but if I did you would agree. You would say; "I understand, I can see why you would feel this way". That part feels good. The knowing that my feelings are normal.
I don't do well with feelings, because I always judge them. Not yours, just mine. With you; I can be gracious and empathetic and kind and understanding. But with me; I am harsh, and demanding, and would rather deny and avoid feelings.
((sigh))
Melancholy? yep.
Depressed? yep, today.
hopeless? mostly, but that is because of the prior two emotions. They tend to jade things and make circumstances worse than they actually are. I am so grateful to know this. (You can tell I have done this before).
I wish I could end on a high note, a lilting voice and a smile. but not today. not right now.
maybe later. I have relieved the pressure, somewhat, for now. But life doesn't look brighter at the moment.
I will be back to write another time.
After I run out of distractions.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
My Hut is Burning
I know this to be true.
But I have learned that this is a very good thing.
what?
yes, really.
I have come to see
and expect
that God is leveling my life
to make room
for something much much better.
MY HUT IS BURNING
in other words;
all my security,
all my 'stuff'',
my safety is going up in flames.
Currently, I am letting go,
and expectantly waiting for what is next.
Sort of feels like the lottery.
naw, that's cheesy.
Feels like...
childbirth? Great analogy, but way overdone.
You know that feeling? Right?
The one in your soul;
the stirring you get when you KNOW something great
is coming up in your life.
Like; wedding day, moving day, graduation day...
all are open to possibilities and excitement
The promise of something NEW, DIFFERENT, BETTER.
Change is hard and sometimes uncomfortable
but it ALWAYS brings something better.
If not right away, then later
through the painful process.
IF I am looking for the lesson.
Yep, my hut is burning.
Others are watching
and coming to my aide.
Encouragement, support, love, hugs,
groceries on my doorstep, and my favorite;
perspective.
These people have helped build the scaffolding of my faith
my new found dig-my-feet-in-the-ground kind of faith.
I am truly experiencing the peace that passes all understanding
the peace that ONLY comes from God.
What a journey this has been,
what a lesson;
humbling, scary,
but just like the guy stranded on the island, who thought he lost everything,
the burning of that hut is the smoke signal to my rescue!
But I have learned that this is a very good thing.
what?
yes, really.
I have come to see
and expect
that God is leveling my life
to make room
for something much much better.
MY HUT IS BURNING
in other words;
all my security,
all my 'stuff'',
my safety is going up in flames.
Currently, I am letting go,
and expectantly waiting for what is next.
Sort of feels like the lottery.
naw, that's cheesy.
Feels like...
childbirth? Great analogy, but way overdone.
You know that feeling? Right?
The one in your soul;
the stirring you get when you KNOW something great
is coming up in your life.
Like; wedding day, moving day, graduation day...
all are open to possibilities and excitement
The promise of something NEW, DIFFERENT, BETTER.
Change is hard and sometimes uncomfortable
but it ALWAYS brings something better.
If not right away, then later
through the painful process.
IF I am looking for the lesson.
Yep, my hut is burning.
Others are watching
and coming to my aide.
Encouragement, support, love, hugs,
groceries on my doorstep, and my favorite;
perspective.
These people have helped build the scaffolding of my faith
my new found dig-my-feet-in-the-ground kind of faith.
I am truly experiencing the peace that passes all understanding
the peace that ONLY comes from God.
What a journey this has been,
what a lesson;
humbling, scary,
but just like the guy stranded on the island, who thought he lost everything,
the burning of that hut is the smoke signal to my rescue!
Monday, December 28, 2009
How to become homeless
I'm thinking
this would make a great title
of a book,
of a short story,
perhaps a bio
or even research.
I have always been humbled by the site of someone homeless.
I can't recall ever judging or condemning or thinking I was better than.
My earliest recollections of this were of sharing my compassion with my mom
and asking how this happens. How does one become homeless? I learned a very
very valuable lesson that has stuck with me. She said; "people make choices".
How incredibly wise.
I fought that idea for a long time; It's not their fault, I said, they can't help it, they must have bad luck, maybe they were abandoned, maybe they are sick, addicted or damaged. I could not wrap my brain around how a person could 'end up' homeless.
I have since come to believe the words my mother spoke to me nearly two decades ago;
"people make choices".
In every circumstance, no matter what the cause of their plight, I have learned that people make choices.
People make choices: to finish high school or not, to go to college or not, to get a job or not, to open that business or not, to take a risk or not, to avoid drugs or not, to get married or not, to eat healthy or not, to drive safely or not, to stay married or not, to learn new ways of coping or not, to reach out to others or not...
See my point? The list can go on and on and on.
Simple? No. Very complex. People are complex.
I am not above such a reality. No one is.
Well, maybe Bill Gates or Donald Trump. But, guess what? They make choices too! Everyday! Everyday they make a choice to continue, to keep working, to pursue, to invest, to hire, to fire, to sell or buy.
Remember The Great Depression?
Me neither.
But I know a little about the history.
Poverty and homelessness happened to a lot of people.
Overnight.
It can happen to me. I am not immune.
I make choices too.
Choice #1:
to follow Christ,
to stand up under His grace,
my redemption,
His promises.
I have made my share of choices; both good and bad, profitable and costly.
I have few regrets.
My past failings are just lessons to be learned.
Some hurt.
Hurt a lot.
But God,
carries me through them all,
if I choose.
this would make a great title
of a book,
of a short story,
perhaps a bio
or even research.
I have always been humbled by the site of someone homeless.
I can't recall ever judging or condemning or thinking I was better than.
My earliest recollections of this were of sharing my compassion with my mom
and asking how this happens. How does one become homeless? I learned a very
very valuable lesson that has stuck with me. She said; "people make choices".
How incredibly wise.
I fought that idea for a long time; It's not their fault, I said, they can't help it, they must have bad luck, maybe they were abandoned, maybe they are sick, addicted or damaged. I could not wrap my brain around how a person could 'end up' homeless.
I have since come to believe the words my mother spoke to me nearly two decades ago;
"people make choices".
In every circumstance, no matter what the cause of their plight, I have learned that people make choices.
People make choices: to finish high school or not, to go to college or not, to get a job or not, to open that business or not, to take a risk or not, to avoid drugs or not, to get married or not, to eat healthy or not, to drive safely or not, to stay married or not, to learn new ways of coping or not, to reach out to others or not...
See my point? The list can go on and on and on.
Simple? No. Very complex. People are complex.
I am not above such a reality. No one is.
Well, maybe Bill Gates or Donald Trump. But, guess what? They make choices too! Everyday! Everyday they make a choice to continue, to keep working, to pursue, to invest, to hire, to fire, to sell or buy.
Remember The Great Depression?
Me neither.
But I know a little about the history.
Poverty and homelessness happened to a lot of people.
Overnight.
It can happen to me. I am not immune.
I make choices too.
Choice #1:
to follow Christ,
to stand up under His grace,
my redemption,
His promises.
I have made my share of choices; both good and bad, profitable and costly.
I have few regrets.
My past failings are just lessons to be learned.
Some hurt.
Hurt a lot.
But God,
carries me through them all,
if I choose.
I should not claim to blog
How can I claim to blog
when the last time
I typed
anything
was earlier this year.
Now,
the year is over.
should I catch you up?
I have been mulling over this thought
I keep coming up with the urge to.
Its quite intense and a bit intimate
but
honestly
those are the blogs I love reading the most.
exposing?
yes.
vulnerable?
yes.
rewarding?
I'm not sure, prehaps relieving.
we'll see
the year is not up
yet.
when the last time
I typed
anything
was earlier this year.
Now,
the year is over.
should I catch you up?
I have been mulling over this thought
I keep coming up with the urge to.
Its quite intense and a bit intimate
but
honestly
those are the blogs I love reading the most.
exposing?
yes.
vulnerable?
yes.
rewarding?
I'm not sure, prehaps relieving.
we'll see
the year is not up
yet.
Monday, April 20, 2009
It Is Well With My Soul
I got the call as I was walking to my car after church service, my list in hand for the last minute details needed for my daughters 4th birthday party. This morning her teenaged daughter died in a very tragic car accident. Killed instantly. Immediatley I searched for ways to offer comfort. Nothing seemed good enough. I could be available, I could watch kids, I could cook or clean, or just hug her and help her cry. But Lord how could I possibly comfort her?
The devotion I had been preparing for Tuesday suddenly made sense.
The hymn entitled "It Is Well With My Soul" was written by a man named Horatio Spafford in 1873. This prominent lawyer and businessman from Chicago knew tragedy, he lived it. In 1871 his only son died at the age of four from scarlet fever, later he lost everything in the Great Chicago Fire, ruining him financially. Aware of the toll that these disasters had taken on his family, Horatio decided to take his wife and four daughters along with him to help DL Moody in England during an evangelstic tour as well as enjoy some time of rest. However, just before boarding the ship in New York, a last minute business development forced him to delay. Rather than ruining the familys holiday he urged them to go on ahead and he would follow shortly.
On November 2, 1873 their ship collided with an english vessel. It sank in 12 minutes, claiming the lives of 226 people. Anna Spafford had stood bravely on the deck with her daughters Annie, Maggie, Bessie, and Tanetta clinging desparately to her. Her last memory was of her baby being ripped violently from her arms by the forceful waters. Anna was saved only by a floating plank supporting her unconcious body.
Horatio received a telegram from Anna that read; "Saved Alone, What shall I do?" As he journeyed to meet his grieving wife, he passed over the location where his daughters had died, and was inspired to write the words to this now timeless, classic hymn.
My most favorite line reads; 'No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life, thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.'
Philipians 4:7 reminds me that; 'The peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus'.
I can't say that my faith could be as strong as Mr. Spaffords, but I am encouraged and inspired by his demonstration. I cannot say for sure that I could live through such tribulation, but I know that God, who sustained them, would also sustain me.
The devotion I had been preparing for Tuesday suddenly made sense.
The hymn entitled "It Is Well With My Soul" was written by a man named Horatio Spafford in 1873. This prominent lawyer and businessman from Chicago knew tragedy, he lived it. In 1871 his only son died at the age of four from scarlet fever, later he lost everything in the Great Chicago Fire, ruining him financially. Aware of the toll that these disasters had taken on his family, Horatio decided to take his wife and four daughters along with him to help DL Moody in England during an evangelstic tour as well as enjoy some time of rest. However, just before boarding the ship in New York, a last minute business development forced him to delay. Rather than ruining the familys holiday he urged them to go on ahead and he would follow shortly.
On November 2, 1873 their ship collided with an english vessel. It sank in 12 minutes, claiming the lives of 226 people. Anna Spafford had stood bravely on the deck with her daughters Annie, Maggie, Bessie, and Tanetta clinging desparately to her. Her last memory was of her baby being ripped violently from her arms by the forceful waters. Anna was saved only by a floating plank supporting her unconcious body.
Horatio received a telegram from Anna that read; "Saved Alone, What shall I do?" As he journeyed to meet his grieving wife, he passed over the location where his daughters had died, and was inspired to write the words to this now timeless, classic hymn.
My most favorite line reads; 'No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life, thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.'
Philipians 4:7 reminds me that; 'The peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus'.
I can't say that my faith could be as strong as Mr. Spaffords, but I am encouraged and inspired by his demonstration. I cannot say for sure that I could live through such tribulation, but I know that God, who sustained them, would also sustain me.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
My Easter Reflection
As I sit in the rare quiet of my house, while my daughter naps, I am trying to slow down and enjoy every minute rather than panic that my time will run out soon.
My spirit is so reflective and wants to sit in this lovely, soothing, peaceful place.
Easter is my favorite Holiday (next to Christmas) for its meaning, not for the commercialism (though don't get me wrong I love marshmallow peeps and chocolate and easter egg hunts and all that stuff). But the meaning behind Easter is the best gift of all. The gift of forgiveness.
Jesus died on the cross. JESUS died on the CROSS. JESUS DIED. This is mind boggling to me. My logic and intelligence can't understand it and yet my soul aches in the joy and in the pain of this truth. This is the Father's plan to bring his lost people back to him.
Before Christ we were doomed to death, judgment for all of the bad stuff we do, and eternal separation from God. Their is none good but God and we are not good enough to even be in his presence.
The 10 commandements couldnt keep people in line. They couldn't keep even one of them! I know I can't go one day without commiting some sort of crime; of the heart, of the mind, or even of my actions. I don't mean the kind of crime that would land me in jail, but the kind of crime that, prior to Christ, would have found me unclean to be in the presence of God.
God missed his people, his creation, and wanted them near him again, to fellowship with them and be worshiped by them. So the plan; to send his one and only son, this diety come to life and to walk the earth for the purposes of his death. What?! Yes! So that He could be the spotless lamb, the perfect sacrfice for the sins of all mankind. I'm still shaking my head in amazement.
The movie; The Passion of the Christ is by the far the best, most powerful, most inspirational, most moving illustration of what took place when Jesus was crucified. Crucified like a common criminal. Crucified for me! And for you! And for my enemies! Even for the people that I think don't deserve it. I'm in awe. I love watching this movie! It reminds me of my freedom today and the price that was paid for it. I am reminded of how much God loves me and to what lengths he went to bring me closer to him.
Wow! My words run low and I can no longer express my gratitude, my peace. God gives me peace that passes all understanding. And just for a moment longer I am going to sit with this and be present, right now, this minute. I will not avoid. It may be painful, I may even cry. But this gift is too big for my heart to comprehend and it always makes me cry.
I hope that you can grab a hold of this truth and accept this gift that God has given us. All we have to do is say; "Thank you Jesus, for dying for me, for wiping away my sins, for coming into my heart and into my life."
Happy Easter! He is Risen!
My spirit is so reflective and wants to sit in this lovely, soothing, peaceful place.
Easter is my favorite Holiday (next to Christmas) for its meaning, not for the commercialism (though don't get me wrong I love marshmallow peeps and chocolate and easter egg hunts and all that stuff). But the meaning behind Easter is the best gift of all. The gift of forgiveness.
Jesus died on the cross. JESUS died on the CROSS. JESUS DIED. This is mind boggling to me. My logic and intelligence can't understand it and yet my soul aches in the joy and in the pain of this truth. This is the Father's plan to bring his lost people back to him.
Before Christ we were doomed to death, judgment for all of the bad stuff we do, and eternal separation from God. Their is none good but God and we are not good enough to even be in his presence.
The 10 commandements couldnt keep people in line. They couldn't keep even one of them! I know I can't go one day without commiting some sort of crime; of the heart, of the mind, or even of my actions. I don't mean the kind of crime that would land me in jail, but the kind of crime that, prior to Christ, would have found me unclean to be in the presence of God.
God missed his people, his creation, and wanted them near him again, to fellowship with them and be worshiped by them. So the plan; to send his one and only son, this diety come to life and to walk the earth for the purposes of his death. What?! Yes! So that He could be the spotless lamb, the perfect sacrfice for the sins of all mankind. I'm still shaking my head in amazement.
The movie; The Passion of the Christ is by the far the best, most powerful, most inspirational, most moving illustration of what took place when Jesus was crucified. Crucified like a common criminal. Crucified for me! And for you! And for my enemies! Even for the people that I think don't deserve it. I'm in awe. I love watching this movie! It reminds me of my freedom today and the price that was paid for it. I am reminded of how much God loves me and to what lengths he went to bring me closer to him.
Wow! My words run low and I can no longer express my gratitude, my peace. God gives me peace that passes all understanding. And just for a moment longer I am going to sit with this and be present, right now, this minute. I will not avoid. It may be painful, I may even cry. But this gift is too big for my heart to comprehend and it always makes me cry.
I hope that you can grab a hold of this truth and accept this gift that God has given us. All we have to do is say; "Thank you Jesus, for dying for me, for wiping away my sins, for coming into my heart and into my life."
Happy Easter! He is Risen!
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