God wants us to BE sorry

I got something today.  An a-ha! moment.

Having to parent my child (aka discipline, correct, spank, etc) for the umpteenth time I was taken aback by the pattern we continue to follow. I spank her, she says; "sorry" (in a sassy, I'm-not-really, just-saying-this-to-get-you-out-of-my-room sort of way), I feel ineffective and we both feel frustrated.  So, I stayed with her longer this time attempting to calm her down and have a conversation. 
She didn't know what I wanted and kept getting annoyed that I wouldn't leave her alone saying; "what am I supposed to say, I said sorry like five times?!".  She was looking for the formula by which she would be done being disciplined.  I said; "but you are not sorry". 
I tried to explain the idea of repentance to her; changing direction, a u-turn, doing something different than before,.....I wasn't doing a very good job. 
She huffed, growled and contorted her body so I figured it best to leave her alone until she was able to hear me clearly.  I told her she had to stay in her room and calm down until she was ready to say sorry and "mean it". 
As I was walking downstairs to wait her out (and get some more laundry done), the truth hit me.  God does not want us just to say sorry.  He wants us to really be sorry.  This is repentance.  A change of heart, remorse, a humbling recognition of wrongdoing...I still can't explain it very well in 5-year-old language. Wow.
You know when you've heard something before, you knew what it meant but then you hear it again and it really hits you?  Now it makes sense in a whole new way? That's what happened.

Some time went by, then she calls to me saying she is ready to talk.  She begins; "I'm sorry for being sassy, and stomping, for almost hitting you and for screaming. Did I get it all?"  I didn't know about the almost getting hit part but I said; "sounds like everything". She says; "I even said sorry for something you didn't even know about.  Will you forgive me?"
Music to my heart!  I should stop being shocked when my parenting actually works.  And another thing, what makes me think parenting is going to be done anytime soon?  Anyway, I said; "yes I forgive you", hugged and kissed her.
Then we had a conversation. We talked about how God can read our minds and our hearts, what truly being sorry looks like, how good it feels to do the right thing and clear things up when we make a mistake.  Nice chat.  She didn't even try to weasel out of it. (-:

God doesn't want us to say"sorry", He wants us to truly BE sorry.

The Lost Art

I love art. Any and all versions, mediums (did I say that right?) of artistic expression. 
I am not an 'artist', but I wish I were. 
To some degree we are all artistic.  In our daily living we have to be imaginative, we have to practice things like driving and talking and at some point we feel we have mastered the art of....fill in the blank.

The Arts define humanity; its diversity and variety. 

Every artist is telling a story.  Painting a picture; either of a scene from their perspective or sharing their vision of something beyond paper and paint. 
Music is expression that all peoples understand and transcends language.
Literature is bound by words but acting cannot be easily misunderstood.

Have we lost our way as a society to nurture and encourage art and artistic expression?  Is there far too much technology telling us what to do, how to think and where to be entertained?

If you have ever watched a 4 year old, with no toys, have an adventure alone then you know how children naturally engage their imagination.  Rocks and sticks become guns and bullets or bats and balls, a cardboard box becomes a house or a car or a robot or a tunnel.

If allowed, if given enough space and time we can all find our voice, and use our imagination to paint. 
We could all be artists painting our experience; using words to describe, colors to express, music to impart and actions to relate what we are learning about life and the practice of the art of being human.

Hope Is A Pilot Light

Do you think a chrysalis knows what is happening?
Does he know the plan is to become a butterfly, a beautiful new creation with no resemblance of the old caterpillar self?
Or is he suspicious that it is just legend and folklore? 
Does he fear that he might not be transformed?  Does he fear that he might?
Does he accept what is happening or does he cry and fight and wish he could halt the process and return to exploring branches and eating leaves?
Is he scared?
Lonely?
Hungry?

Perhaps, he is excited! Entering the journey to becoming his purpose; a colorfully painted, proud creature of freedom and of  flight.  Has he seen others go before him, modeling how to be transformed?  Has he seen some enter their slumber only to never emerge?

Today I feel like a chrysalis rather than a butterfly. 
Not in the expectant, hopeful kind of way.
But rather in the dark, lonely, scared, doubtful sort of way.
My mind swirls with confusion and questions, irritation and fatigue.
What is going on? Why is this happening? What is the plan?  What will happen next?

Although I sense the darkness and feel the cold and sadness on my skin,
there co-exists Hope.
Hope is the pilot light of my soul.
Because today, I know The Truth. 
I can't "feel" it right now but I know it,
in my mind and in my heart.
I cannot recite prose or verse or promises or psalm but I KNOW it.

The TRUTH is;
God is Love
Mercy
& Grace
He is Healer
Deliverer
Restorer

The truth of that and the knowledge of His character gives me peace.
Despite my emotions.

Perhaps unlike the butterfly I KNOW the promise of God;
to never leave me.
I KNOW the plan for my life;
good and not evil, prosperity not harm.
So as I wait in this dark place, I wait with Hope as my anchor.

Shutterfly has the BEST cards!

http://www.shutterfly.com/ssc/viewEdit.sfly?fid=bea88ba254ae328f328a6b68bbcad23c5625c431369d420afd12f45bbad520eada27fa73774b895dee5b8ac75d5a43bb

Shutterfly for Holiday cards!

This year is particularly important for our family to send out Holiday Greeting cards!

We typically send cards to distant family and friends but this year will be different.  Our family has moved and we need to communicate to everyone!
Having a new address and phone number is unusual for our family. 
I will need to hurry and notify all of our friends and family so we dont miss a single card! Selfish? Well, yes. 
We LOVE receiving cards in the mail at the holidays!
My little one races to the mailbox daily in anticipation of something for her. At the holidays, every card is for her, (and us too).
I am going to use the incredible online resource;
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards

How easy is this going to be??

While I am there I am going to take advantage of the super easy, super fun and super affordable gifts for the people in our life that always want more pictures of us!
http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars/wall-calendars

I know the grandmas will flip if they receive one of these GORGEOUS canvas art of their grandkids!
http://www.shutterfly.com/home-decor/canvas-wall-art

I better get started.

Divine Intervention in Human Form

What is amazing to me is seeing God work through others; When I am touched by someone and it is truly a gift, a message, a correction, or an encouragement straight from God and meant FOR ME!
     I am so thankful to have my eyes wide open for such moments.

I am learning a lot lately.
Perhaps because I am so desperate. Desperate to FEEL good, better, peaceful, quiet.
I will even take feeling nothing over chaos and confusion!  Mostly the feeling of nothing is what I would prefer, its easier.  But I have learned that I miss the good stuff of life that way.

I am letting go.  Letting go of control. pppfff, like I have any.  
Surrender is more like it. At least that is my goal.
Remember the Nestea plunge?
As a kid, my friends and I would play like that commercial; standing at the edge of the pool and falling in, peacefully, knowing that the water would break our fall and nothing would hurt.
That kind of letting go.  That kind of surrender.  To have full trust that if I let go I will be alright.
I am trying that,
a little.
When I do surrender I seem to have peace for a moment and then the moment slips away and its back to my mind, aka The Grind.

If my head didn't need me to get around, it would kill me.  I am sure of it.

Ultimately, God is in control, right? So why do I spin my wheels and fight everything in my path that I perceive as hard, scary or complicated?

I am strong, I am independent. I am rebellious, a trailblazer, an entrepreneur.  These are not the qualities of one who would willingly surrender.
As I write about surrender, my shoulders relax.
My upper body has been twisted up into knotted bricks, unwilling to be subdued even by massage.  Its as if I am carrying the weight of all the junk and stress and details of this mess around on top of myself!
I have had headaches, muscle tension, stress weight gain (due to stress eating...which is new for me), stomach pain, back pain, foot pain, mental pain!  I could go on.
My body is screaming at me to STOP! but I won't.  I am tough and stubborn and believe in the power of ME too much to trust YOU.  The paradox is I am so sure that someone else has the answer that I need.

Oh sure, I hear the answer, but it seems too simple. Surrender. What the...!?

So, for today I am working on surrendering. Surrendering to the process, the journey, the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the disappointments and set backs, the fear, the confusion.  Because on the other side is PEACE.
I have HOPE.
And if I cant make it happen, I guess I will have to wait for it to happen.
Unless there is some pool called PEACE that I can take the Nestea plunge into...

The Best Gift EVER!

Becoming a mother was the best thing that ever happened to me.
The day my son was born 15 years ago, I met God for the first time.
I knew God, I called myself a christian but I did not KNOW Him.
I LOVED beyond anything I had ever felt before. 
It hurt. A lot.
I cried. A lot.
For the first time I caught a glimpse of how much God loves me.
I loved this little baby so much that I was in pain,
all over my soul,
all through my body.
Sometimes,  I couldn't even breath.
Then I 'got it'; God loves me MORE than this!
Wow!
Unfathomable.
God created my boy.
God created me.
God created you.
God created that homeless man.
God created Charles Manson, Ted Bundy and Jack the ripper.
How it must hurt to see his creation hurt his creation.
How it must sadden him to see his people sad.
I would die for my child!
So would God.
Gods ONLY son came down from Heaven to dwell among us,
many rotten, filthy souls, hurting and hurting others.
He came to bring life. Abundantly.
Jesus, Gods only son, DIED for his creation.
For the purposes of bringing us back to him.
If my child had gone astray, like Gods people had, I would welcome with open arms the love of my life.
I would open my hug,which is home, to the child that passed through me into this world.
So on this Mothers Day, I thank God for the miracle of life He blessed me with.
I am overwhelmed with the gift I have been given, the gift of being a mother.