What is amazing to me is seeing God work through others; When I am touched by someone and it is truly a gift, a message, a correction, or an encouragement straight from God and meant FOR ME!
I am so thankful to have my eyes wide open for such moments.
I am learning a lot lately.
Perhaps because I am so desperate. Desperate to FEEL good, better, peaceful, quiet.
I will even take feeling nothing over chaos and confusion! Mostly the feeling of nothing is what I would prefer, its easier. But I have learned that I miss the good stuff of life that way.
I am letting go. Letting go of control. pppfff, like I have any.
Surrender is more like it. At least that is my goal.
Remember the Nestea plunge?
As a kid, my friends and I would play like that commercial; standing at the edge of the pool and falling in, peacefully, knowing that the water would break our fall and nothing would hurt.
That kind of letting go. That kind of surrender. To have full trust that if I let go I will be alright.
I am trying that,
a little.
When I do surrender I seem to have peace for a moment and then the moment slips away and its back to my mind, aka The Grind.
If my head didn't need me to get around, it would kill me. I am sure of it.
Ultimately, God is in control, right? So why do I spin my wheels and fight everything in my path that I perceive as hard, scary or complicated?
I am strong, I am independent. I am rebellious, a trailblazer, an entrepreneur. These are not the qualities of one who would willingly surrender.
As I write about surrender, my shoulders relax.
My upper body has been twisted up into knotted bricks, unwilling to be subdued even by massage. Its as if I am carrying the weight of all the junk and stress and details of this mess around on top of myself!
I have had headaches, muscle tension, stress weight gain (due to stress eating...which is new for me), stomach pain, back pain, foot pain, mental pain! I could go on.
My body is screaming at me to STOP! but I won't. I am tough and stubborn and believe in the power of ME too much to trust YOU. The paradox is I am so sure that someone else has the answer that I need.
Oh sure, I hear the answer, but it seems too simple. Surrender. What the...!?
So, for today I am working on surrendering. Surrendering to the process, the journey, the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the disappointments and set backs, the fear, the confusion. Because on the other side is PEACE.
I have HOPE.
And if I cant make it happen, I guess I will have to wait for it to happen.
Unless there is some pool called PEACE that I can take the Nestea plunge into...