Do you think a chrysalis knows what is happening?
Does he know the plan is to become a butterfly, a beautiful new creation with no resemblance of the old caterpillar self?
Or is he suspicious that it is just legend and folklore?
Does he fear that he might not be transformed? Does he fear that he might?
Does he accept what is happening or does he cry and fight and wish he could halt the process and return to exploring branches and eating leaves?
Is he scared?
Lonely?
Hungry?
Perhaps, he is excited! Entering the journey to becoming his purpose; a colorfully painted, proud creature of freedom and of flight. Has he seen others go before him, modeling how to be transformed? Has he seen some enter their slumber only to never emerge?
Today I feel like a chrysalis rather than a butterfly.
Not in the expectant, hopeful kind of way.
But rather in the dark, lonely, scared, doubtful sort of way.
My mind swirls with confusion and questions, irritation and fatigue.
What is going on? Why is this happening? What is the plan? What will happen next?
Although I sense the darkness and feel the cold and sadness on my skin,
there co-exists Hope.
Hope is the pilot light of my soul.
Because today, I know The Truth.
I can't "feel" it right now but I know it,
in my mind and in my heart.
I cannot recite prose or verse or promises or psalm but I KNOW it.
The TRUTH is;
God is Love
Mercy
& Grace
He is Healer
Deliverer
Restorer
The truth of that and the knowledge of His character gives me peace.
Despite my emotions.
Perhaps unlike the butterfly I KNOW the promise of God;
to never leave me.
I KNOW the plan for my life;
good and not evil, prosperity not harm.
So as I wait in this dark place, I wait with Hope as my anchor.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Shutterfly has the BEST cards!
http://www.shutterfly.com/ssc/viewEdit.sfly?fid=bea88ba254ae328f328a6b68bbcad23c5625c431369d420afd12f45bbad520eada27fa73774b895dee5b8ac75d5a43bb
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Shutterfly for Holiday cards!
This year is particularly important for our family to send out Holiday Greeting cards!
We typically send cards to distant family and friends but this year will be different. Our family has moved and we need to communicate to everyone!
Having a new address and phone number is unusual for our family.
I will need to hurry and notify all of our friends and family so we dont miss a single card! Selfish? Well, yes.
We LOVE receiving cards in the mail at the holidays!
My little one races to the mailbox daily in anticipation of something for her. At the holidays, every card is for her, (and us too).
I am going to use the incredible online resource;
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards
How easy is this going to be??
While I am there I am going to take advantage of the super easy, super fun and super affordable gifts for the people in our life that always want more pictures of us!
http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars/wall-calendars
I know the grandmas will flip if they receive one of these GORGEOUS canvas art of their grandkids!
http://www.shutterfly.com/home-decor/canvas-wall-art
I better get started.
We typically send cards to distant family and friends but this year will be different. Our family has moved and we need to communicate to everyone!
Having a new address and phone number is unusual for our family.
I will need to hurry and notify all of our friends and family so we dont miss a single card! Selfish? Well, yes.
We LOVE receiving cards in the mail at the holidays!
My little one races to the mailbox daily in anticipation of something for her. At the holidays, every card is for her, (and us too).
I am going to use the incredible online resource;
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards
How easy is this going to be??
While I am there I am going to take advantage of the super easy, super fun and super affordable gifts for the people in our life that always want more pictures of us!
http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars/wall-calendars
I know the grandmas will flip if they receive one of these GORGEOUS canvas art of their grandkids!
http://www.shutterfly.com/home-decor/canvas-wall-art
I better get started.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Divine Intervention in Human Form
What is amazing to me is seeing God work through others; When I am touched by someone and it is truly a gift, a message, a correction, or an encouragement straight from God and meant FOR ME!
I am so thankful to have my eyes wide open for such moments.
I am learning a lot lately.
Perhaps because I am so desperate. Desperate to FEEL good, better, peaceful, quiet.
I will even take feeling nothing over chaos and confusion! Mostly the feeling of nothing is what I would prefer, its easier. But I have learned that I miss the good stuff of life that way.
I am letting go. Letting go of control. pppfff, like I have any.
Surrender is more like it. At least that is my goal.
Remember the Nestea plunge?
As a kid, my friends and I would play like that commercial; standing at the edge of the pool and falling in, peacefully, knowing that the water would break our fall and nothing would hurt.
That kind of letting go. That kind of surrender. To have full trust that if I let go I will be alright.
I am trying that,
a little.
When I do surrender I seem to have peace for a moment and then the moment slips away and its back to my mind, aka The Grind.
If my head didn't need me to get around, it would kill me. I am sure of it.
Ultimately, God is in control, right? So why do I spin my wheels and fight everything in my path that I perceive as hard, scary or complicated?
I am strong, I am independent. I am rebellious, a trailblazer, an entrepreneur. These are not the qualities of one who would willingly surrender.
As I write about surrender, my shoulders relax.
My upper body has been twisted up into knotted bricks, unwilling to be subdued even by massage. Its as if I am carrying the weight of all the junk and stress and details of this mess around on top of myself!
I have had headaches, muscle tension, stress weight gain (due to stress eating...which is new for me), stomach pain, back pain, foot pain, mental pain! I could go on.
My body is screaming at me to STOP! but I won't. I am tough and stubborn and believe in the power of ME too much to trust YOU. The paradox is I am so sure that someone else has the answer that I need.
Oh sure, I hear the answer, but it seems too simple. Surrender. What the...!?
So, for today I am working on surrendering. Surrendering to the process, the journey, the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the disappointments and set backs, the fear, the confusion. Because on the other side is PEACE.
I have HOPE.
And if I cant make it happen, I guess I will have to wait for it to happen.
Unless there is some pool called PEACE that I can take the Nestea plunge into...
I am so thankful to have my eyes wide open for such moments.
I am learning a lot lately.
Perhaps because I am so desperate. Desperate to FEEL good, better, peaceful, quiet.
I will even take feeling nothing over chaos and confusion! Mostly the feeling of nothing is what I would prefer, its easier. But I have learned that I miss the good stuff of life that way.
I am letting go. Letting go of control. pppfff, like I have any.
Surrender is more like it. At least that is my goal.
Remember the Nestea plunge?
As a kid, my friends and I would play like that commercial; standing at the edge of the pool and falling in, peacefully, knowing that the water would break our fall and nothing would hurt.
That kind of letting go. That kind of surrender. To have full trust that if I let go I will be alright.
I am trying that,
a little.
When I do surrender I seem to have peace for a moment and then the moment slips away and its back to my mind, aka The Grind.
If my head didn't need me to get around, it would kill me. I am sure of it.
Ultimately, God is in control, right? So why do I spin my wheels and fight everything in my path that I perceive as hard, scary or complicated?
I am strong, I am independent. I am rebellious, a trailblazer, an entrepreneur. These are not the qualities of one who would willingly surrender.
As I write about surrender, my shoulders relax.
My upper body has been twisted up into knotted bricks, unwilling to be subdued even by massage. Its as if I am carrying the weight of all the junk and stress and details of this mess around on top of myself!
I have had headaches, muscle tension, stress weight gain (due to stress eating...which is new for me), stomach pain, back pain, foot pain, mental pain! I could go on.
My body is screaming at me to STOP! but I won't. I am tough and stubborn and believe in the power of ME too much to trust YOU. The paradox is I am so sure that someone else has the answer that I need.
Oh sure, I hear the answer, but it seems too simple. Surrender. What the...!?
So, for today I am working on surrendering. Surrendering to the process, the journey, the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the disappointments and set backs, the fear, the confusion. Because on the other side is PEACE.
I have HOPE.
And if I cant make it happen, I guess I will have to wait for it to happen.
Unless there is some pool called PEACE that I can take the Nestea plunge into...
Sunday, May 9, 2010
The Best Gift EVER!
Becoming a mother was the best thing that ever happened to me.
The day my son was born 15 years ago, I met God for the first time.
I knew God, I called myself a christian but I did not KNOW Him.
I LOVED beyond anything I had ever felt before.
It hurt. A lot.
I cried. A lot.
For the first time I caught a glimpse of how much God loves me.
I loved this little baby so much that I was in pain,
all over my soul,
all through my body.
Sometimes, I couldn't even breath.
Then I 'got it'; God loves me MORE than this!
Wow!
Unfathomable.
God created my boy.
God created me.
God created you.
God created that homeless man.
God created Charles Manson, Ted Bundy and Jack the ripper.
How it must hurt to see his creation hurt his creation.
How it must sadden him to see his people sad.
I would die for my child!
So would God.
Gods ONLY son came down from Heaven to dwell among us,
many rotten, filthy souls, hurting and hurting others.
He came to bring life. Abundantly.
Jesus, Gods only son, DIED for his creation.
For the purposes of bringing us back to him.
If my child had gone astray, like Gods people had, I would welcome with open arms the love of my life.
I would open my hug,which is home, to the child that passed through me into this world.
So on this Mothers Day, I thank God for the miracle of life He blessed me with.
I am overwhelmed with the gift I have been given, the gift of being a mother.
The day my son was born 15 years ago, I met God for the first time.
I knew God, I called myself a christian but I did not KNOW Him.
I LOVED beyond anything I had ever felt before.
It hurt. A lot.
I cried. A lot.
For the first time I caught a glimpse of how much God loves me.
I loved this little baby so much that I was in pain,
all over my soul,
all through my body.
Sometimes, I couldn't even breath.
Then I 'got it'; God loves me MORE than this!
Wow!
Unfathomable.
God created my boy.
God created me.
God created you.
God created that homeless man.
God created Charles Manson, Ted Bundy and Jack the ripper.
How it must hurt to see his creation hurt his creation.
How it must sadden him to see his people sad.
I would die for my child!
So would God.
Gods ONLY son came down from Heaven to dwell among us,
many rotten, filthy souls, hurting and hurting others.
He came to bring life. Abundantly.
Jesus, Gods only son, DIED for his creation.
For the purposes of bringing us back to him.
If my child had gone astray, like Gods people had, I would welcome with open arms the love of my life.
I would open my hug,which is home, to the child that passed through me into this world.
So on this Mothers Day, I thank God for the miracle of life He blessed me with.
I am overwhelmed with the gift I have been given, the gift of being a mother.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Have you ever had a day...?
Have you ever had a day, where you just can't do it?
Keeping my eyes open is a struggle. Not that I am tired but that I just can't do it, even blinking is a chore. If my body didn't fight for survival, automatically, I would just stop breathing because it is just too hard. Thank God for the autonomic nervous system, or today I would die.
Dramatic isn't it?
Writing this, going there, is helpful, I suppose. Gives me perspective. When I consider my life in comparison to others, I can ALWAYS think of worse situations or circumstances. But that doesn't help today. I just feel helpless to even CHOOSE happiness today. I want to wallow. I do not enjoy wallowing. It's just the easiest thing to do today.
Thinking is hard. Being is hard. Writing is hard. Swallowing is hard.
Caring is hardest.
Whats with all the theatrics?
I am thankful that everyday is not like this. Every minute that this lingers; I get more tired, exhausted, worn out. Yesterday wasn't like today. Hopefully tomorrow won't be either.
I am sad. I have reason. I can justify this feeling, not that I need to, but if I did you would agree. You would say; "I understand, I can see why you would feel this way". That part feels good. The knowing that my feelings are normal.
I don't do well with feelings, because I always judge them. Not yours, just mine. With you; I can be gracious and empathetic and kind and understanding. But with me; I am harsh, and demanding, and would rather deny and avoid feelings.
((sigh))
Melancholy? yep.
Depressed? yep, today.
hopeless? mostly, but that is because of the prior two emotions. They tend to jade things and make circumstances worse than they actually are. I am so grateful to know this. (You can tell I have done this before).
I wish I could end on a high note, a lilting voice and a smile. but not today. not right now.
maybe later. I have relieved the pressure, somewhat, for now. But life doesn't look brighter at the moment.
I will be back to write another time.
After I run out of distractions.
Keeping my eyes open is a struggle. Not that I am tired but that I just can't do it, even blinking is a chore. If my body didn't fight for survival, automatically, I would just stop breathing because it is just too hard. Thank God for the autonomic nervous system, or today I would die.
Dramatic isn't it?
Writing this, going there, is helpful, I suppose. Gives me perspective. When I consider my life in comparison to others, I can ALWAYS think of worse situations or circumstances. But that doesn't help today. I just feel helpless to even CHOOSE happiness today. I want to wallow. I do not enjoy wallowing. It's just the easiest thing to do today.
Thinking is hard. Being is hard. Writing is hard. Swallowing is hard.
Caring is hardest.
Whats with all the theatrics?
I am thankful that everyday is not like this. Every minute that this lingers; I get more tired, exhausted, worn out. Yesterday wasn't like today. Hopefully tomorrow won't be either.
I am sad. I have reason. I can justify this feeling, not that I need to, but if I did you would agree. You would say; "I understand, I can see why you would feel this way". That part feels good. The knowing that my feelings are normal.
I don't do well with feelings, because I always judge them. Not yours, just mine. With you; I can be gracious and empathetic and kind and understanding. But with me; I am harsh, and demanding, and would rather deny and avoid feelings.
((sigh))
Melancholy? yep.
Depressed? yep, today.
hopeless? mostly, but that is because of the prior two emotions. They tend to jade things and make circumstances worse than they actually are. I am so grateful to know this. (You can tell I have done this before).
I wish I could end on a high note, a lilting voice and a smile. but not today. not right now.
maybe later. I have relieved the pressure, somewhat, for now. But life doesn't look brighter at the moment.
I will be back to write another time.
After I run out of distractions.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
My Hut is Burning
I know this to be true.
But I have learned that this is a very good thing.
what?
yes, really.
I have come to see
and expect
that God is leveling my life
to make room
for something much much better.
MY HUT IS BURNING
in other words;
all my security,
all my 'stuff'',
my safety is going up in flames.
Currently, I am letting go,
and expectantly waiting for what is next.
Sort of feels like the lottery.
naw, that's cheesy.
Feels like...
childbirth? Great analogy, but way overdone.
You know that feeling? Right?
The one in your soul;
the stirring you get when you KNOW something great
is coming up in your life.
Like; wedding day, moving day, graduation day...
all are open to possibilities and excitement
The promise of something NEW, DIFFERENT, BETTER.
Change is hard and sometimes uncomfortable
but it ALWAYS brings something better.
If not right away, then later
through the painful process.
IF I am looking for the lesson.
Yep, my hut is burning.
Others are watching
and coming to my aide.
Encouragement, support, love, hugs,
groceries on my doorstep, and my favorite;
perspective.
These people have helped build the scaffolding of my faith
my new found dig-my-feet-in-the-ground kind of faith.
I am truly experiencing the peace that passes all understanding
the peace that ONLY comes from God.
What a journey this has been,
what a lesson;
humbling, scary,
but just like the guy stranded on the island, who thought he lost everything,
the burning of that hut is the smoke signal to my rescue!
But I have learned that this is a very good thing.
what?
yes, really.
I have come to see
and expect
that God is leveling my life
to make room
for something much much better.
MY HUT IS BURNING
in other words;
all my security,
all my 'stuff'',
my safety is going up in flames.
Currently, I am letting go,
and expectantly waiting for what is next.
Sort of feels like the lottery.
naw, that's cheesy.
Feels like...
childbirth? Great analogy, but way overdone.
You know that feeling? Right?
The one in your soul;
the stirring you get when you KNOW something great
is coming up in your life.
Like; wedding day, moving day, graduation day...
all are open to possibilities and excitement
The promise of something NEW, DIFFERENT, BETTER.
Change is hard and sometimes uncomfortable
but it ALWAYS brings something better.
If not right away, then later
through the painful process.
IF I am looking for the lesson.
Yep, my hut is burning.
Others are watching
and coming to my aide.
Encouragement, support, love, hugs,
groceries on my doorstep, and my favorite;
perspective.
These people have helped build the scaffolding of my faith
my new found dig-my-feet-in-the-ground kind of faith.
I am truly experiencing the peace that passes all understanding
the peace that ONLY comes from God.
What a journey this has been,
what a lesson;
humbling, scary,
but just like the guy stranded on the island, who thought he lost everything,
the burning of that hut is the smoke signal to my rescue!
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