Have you ever had a day, where you just can't do it?
Keeping my eyes open is a struggle. Not that I am tired but that I just can't do it, even blinking is a chore. If my body didn't fight for survival, automatically, I would just stop breathing because it is just too hard. Thank God for the autonomic nervous system, or today I would die.
Dramatic isn't it?
Writing this, going there, is helpful, I suppose. Gives me perspective. When I consider my life in comparison to others, I can ALWAYS think of worse situations or circumstances. But that doesn't help today. I just feel helpless to even CHOOSE happiness today. I want to wallow. I do not enjoy wallowing. It's just the easiest thing to do today.
Thinking is hard. Being is hard. Writing is hard. Swallowing is hard.
Caring is hardest.
Whats with all the theatrics?
I am thankful that everyday is not like this. Every minute that this lingers; I get more tired, exhausted, worn out. Yesterday wasn't like today. Hopefully tomorrow won't be either.
I am sad. I have reason. I can justify this feeling, not that I need to, but if I did you would agree. You would say; "I understand, I can see why you would feel this way". That part feels good. The knowing that my feelings are normal.
I don't do well with feelings, because I always judge them. Not yours, just mine. With you; I can be gracious and empathetic and kind and understanding. But with me; I am harsh, and demanding, and would rather deny and avoid feelings.
((sigh))
Melancholy? yep.
Depressed? yep, today.
hopeless? mostly, but that is because of the prior two emotions. They tend to jade things and make circumstances worse than they actually are. I am so grateful to know this. (You can tell I have done this before).
I wish I could end on a high note, a lilting voice and a smile. but not today. not right now.
maybe later. I have relieved the pressure, somewhat, for now. But life doesn't look brighter at the moment.
I will be back to write another time.
After I run out of distractions.
No comments:
Post a Comment