Becoming a mother was the best thing that ever happened to me.
The day my son was born 15 years ago, I met God for the first time.
I knew God, I called myself a christian but I did not KNOW Him.
I LOVED beyond anything I had ever felt before.
It hurt. A lot.
I cried. A lot.
For the first time I caught a glimpse of how much God loves me.
I loved this little baby so much that I was in pain,
all over my soul,
all through my body.
Sometimes, I couldn't even breath.
Then I 'got it'; God loves me MORE than this!
Wow!
Unfathomable.
God created my boy.
God created me.
God created you.
God created that homeless man.
God created Charles Manson, Ted Bundy and Jack the ripper.
How it must hurt to see his creation hurt his creation.
How it must sadden him to see his people sad.
I would die for my child!
So would God.
Gods ONLY son came down from Heaven to dwell among us,
many rotten, filthy souls, hurting and hurting others.
He came to bring life. Abundantly.
Jesus, Gods only son, DIED for his creation.
For the purposes of bringing us back to him.
If my child had gone astray, like Gods people had, I would welcome with open arms the love of my life.
I would open my hug,which is home, to the child that passed through me into this world.
So on this Mothers Day, I thank God for the miracle of life He blessed me with.
I am overwhelmed with the gift I have been given, the gift of being a mother.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Have you ever had a day...?
Have you ever had a day, where you just can't do it?
Keeping my eyes open is a struggle. Not that I am tired but that I just can't do it, even blinking is a chore. If my body didn't fight for survival, automatically, I would just stop breathing because it is just too hard. Thank God for the autonomic nervous system, or today I would die.
Dramatic isn't it?
Writing this, going there, is helpful, I suppose. Gives me perspective. When I consider my life in comparison to others, I can ALWAYS think of worse situations or circumstances. But that doesn't help today. I just feel helpless to even CHOOSE happiness today. I want to wallow. I do not enjoy wallowing. It's just the easiest thing to do today.
Thinking is hard. Being is hard. Writing is hard. Swallowing is hard.
Caring is hardest.
Whats with all the theatrics?
I am thankful that everyday is not like this. Every minute that this lingers; I get more tired, exhausted, worn out. Yesterday wasn't like today. Hopefully tomorrow won't be either.
I am sad. I have reason. I can justify this feeling, not that I need to, but if I did you would agree. You would say; "I understand, I can see why you would feel this way". That part feels good. The knowing that my feelings are normal.
I don't do well with feelings, because I always judge them. Not yours, just mine. With you; I can be gracious and empathetic and kind and understanding. But with me; I am harsh, and demanding, and would rather deny and avoid feelings.
((sigh))
Melancholy? yep.
Depressed? yep, today.
hopeless? mostly, but that is because of the prior two emotions. They tend to jade things and make circumstances worse than they actually are. I am so grateful to know this. (You can tell I have done this before).
I wish I could end on a high note, a lilting voice and a smile. but not today. not right now.
maybe later. I have relieved the pressure, somewhat, for now. But life doesn't look brighter at the moment.
I will be back to write another time.
After I run out of distractions.
Keeping my eyes open is a struggle. Not that I am tired but that I just can't do it, even blinking is a chore. If my body didn't fight for survival, automatically, I would just stop breathing because it is just too hard. Thank God for the autonomic nervous system, or today I would die.
Dramatic isn't it?
Writing this, going there, is helpful, I suppose. Gives me perspective. When I consider my life in comparison to others, I can ALWAYS think of worse situations or circumstances. But that doesn't help today. I just feel helpless to even CHOOSE happiness today. I want to wallow. I do not enjoy wallowing. It's just the easiest thing to do today.
Thinking is hard. Being is hard. Writing is hard. Swallowing is hard.
Caring is hardest.
Whats with all the theatrics?
I am thankful that everyday is not like this. Every minute that this lingers; I get more tired, exhausted, worn out. Yesterday wasn't like today. Hopefully tomorrow won't be either.
I am sad. I have reason. I can justify this feeling, not that I need to, but if I did you would agree. You would say; "I understand, I can see why you would feel this way". That part feels good. The knowing that my feelings are normal.
I don't do well with feelings, because I always judge them. Not yours, just mine. With you; I can be gracious and empathetic and kind and understanding. But with me; I am harsh, and demanding, and would rather deny and avoid feelings.
((sigh))
Melancholy? yep.
Depressed? yep, today.
hopeless? mostly, but that is because of the prior two emotions. They tend to jade things and make circumstances worse than they actually are. I am so grateful to know this. (You can tell I have done this before).
I wish I could end on a high note, a lilting voice and a smile. but not today. not right now.
maybe later. I have relieved the pressure, somewhat, for now. But life doesn't look brighter at the moment.
I will be back to write another time.
After I run out of distractions.
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